Die Gesichter der Anderen

A Requiem: As a hitchhiker

graciehamie — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 18:34:22 +0000

Lord, I know You love me. Sometimes though i put myself in situations where i am utterly helpless in my own strength and completely reliant on yours. I am thinking i might abuse your protection in certain ways but Lord, all i want is to know you more, to know this world and the people you’ve created more and thus, hitchhiking.

I’m extremely aware that my actions have effect on others, especially the other parts of the Body of Christ which i am part of, though they weren’t directly involve in the action scenes. They are the people working behind the scenes, communicating, negotiating with me, prepping me, making pledges to God, the Big Boss, to make sure when I, the hobbit, pass through the mountain of Moria, I’m safe from the trolls.

Sometimes i think Frodo looks down at his furry rubbery hobbit feet, look at himself at a riverbank in the Shire, barely 3 feet from the ground, what resources do I have? Why am i chosen? I ask myself the same questions, why of all people considering background and personality, I’m irrevocably attracted to the unconventional way? What am i equipped with? The story of moths insistently drawn to the fire and eventually die at the expense of the pursuit of estranged beauty, sometimes reflect upon my actions. Still i try to get closest to the fire not getting burned.

While many are bewildered when heroes of movies take on a perilous journey and a round of uttered nonplus like “Why don’t he just hide, run, take a helicopter?”, I guess i understand: It’s a quest. I could have taken the train, rent a car, take a flight, hop into a chopper but it’ll never offer the experience of waving a thumb on the sidewalk near the entrances of motor-ways or gas stations. I see the way people telling me “no” with their body languages; I see, sometimes, they’re as helpless as i am; I see them mouth the city’s name on my cardboard and a glint of pity in their eyes; I see them mouth “désolé” and press their palms at their chests, heads bow in sympathy; I jump when they wind down their windows and exchange words with me; I see taxi drivers, policemen’s, firemen’s cars and i swiftly fold my cardboard and smile politely.

I’m not sure whether i’m allowed to even blog about parts of my adventure this time so i kept people involved anonymous and things involved analogical. A cardboard tucked under my arms with 2 cities’ names- one German, another French. I got out at the last station of the tram line. Today everything has a façade of composed calmness about it, the humid air, birds chirping, an old lady pushing a cart into a butchery. I walk against the intruding wind, convinced and confident about my path, the words of a fellow hitchhiker floating in my head “Follow your instincts no matter what.” As I unfold my cardboard at the entrance of A6, I pick a spot, next to a human cardboard advertisement, flashing his million volts smile – “Competition”, I thought. I am just warming up though my thumb is getting colder at every flicking of the red traffic lights. I’m in no rush, I’m enjoying my spot and eye-contact with people. What i do not notice is the tiny car pulled up at the gas station next to me. My heart leaps as the driver requested to converse in English. Click! He becomes my first transporter. (Note: I do not think it’s appropriate to describe him as it’ll put both him and me in risk of confidential breach so i’ll refrain myself from doing so here.) When my transporter shares his traveling experiences and mentions countries that i’m yearning to go, i’m engrossed. At some point, we realised the road was blocked and we got disoriented without the aid of navigator, he hit back and whisked me into a highly guarded fenced area of foreign soil.

It’s one of the most fascinating places i’ve ever witnessed, like the movie “The Village” engulfed me in reality. Though the perky imprudent part of me is screaming in excitement and disbelief inside me; my outer shell, having the irreconcilable rigidity of glass remained aloof, i acted as if i belonged there.

The aftertaste of foreign fizzy drinks lingers in my mouth, sandwiched between crumbs of homey treats, i plummet through thousands of kilometers and back again. Circumstance eventually screeches the back of my neck and my instincts tell me to ditch. Things that my transporter says form a rope, tying me to a chair and I have to struggle out by my own strength. At this moment, I could only pray for creativity and wisdom. Distractions work well in my situation and I blurted words that God puts in my mouth as a weapon against the strangling rope. It disentangles around me and falls snugly to the ground.

all that’s ancient

graciehamie — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 18:21:59 +0000

Since when has this blog cease to post any visual aid to the long and sinuous text? I’ve left out a big part that is worth every word written about it which took place about 6 months ago. And today i have no shame to flip open that chapter of summer 2011 and stir up what’s remain of the middle east dust.

The pyramids still stands as a stark reminder that humans’ mind could go so far, no matter how the surrounding has changed. I’ve never been to a place where i refuse to relate or seek for any recognition between the ancient masterpiece and the modern civilization. Regardless of the magnificence of its geometry i shudder at the thought of all the laborers carrying those big blocks of stones, cutting them with inadequate equipments..sweat, blood, spit probably got all mingled up in the mud that solidify this structure that holds it against the licking of wind for millenia.

As far as human interactions go down the history, hospitality has its own place in the most primitive of human instincts. We were lucky to meet this old man, who crossed our path by chance and showed us the view from the Antiochian hilltop and in the most sincere way a person could welcome the other, offered us all that he has to serve, in the humblest way.

In this exploration, where would be the best suited place to take a break and cave in?

These caves have been shaped by nature and it would be a pity to pass it by without climbing up. It was safe and snug inside by the way!

The sun rises ever since it was spoken into existence and there where the dawn breaks, the first ray of sun spreading across the horizon brought warmth, hope at the beginning of a new day. At the beginning of this day, watching this brought me back to think about the beginning of it all, especially here where Moses met God.

Just as the sky is high, so the sea is deep. Just as the sun shines over the earth, so the water covers the sea. Just as the creatures walk the earth, the fishes swim!

It was a wonderful trip that brought me back to the basic lessons of survival, seeing so many things that reminded me how fortunate i am. Feeling sorry for others is overrated. Using whatever one has, making the best out of it, giving it back, being sensitive to the needs around you is my closing note of this mind-boggling journey. Many thanks to my travelmate who experienced all these together with me!

Coming up to breathe

graciehamie — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 12:29:57 +0000

Working is both exciting and stressing. Pressure is both motivating and depressing. I’ve imagined that when a big task befalls me, i would deal with it, thinking of those stressful exam times in the past. But studying in Germany has made some of these instincts become more dormant. For what am i fighting for? I used to fight for a placement in the university, a scholarship to study oversees….these dreams were my 6-cyclinder motor. From time to time when God speaks to me, i’m refueled but i’m no longer using the fuel that is sufficient to drive a monster engine to its fullest: i’m using it to drive my small kancil. Somewhere inside me this monstrous engine is snoring in a steady rhythm. Not anymore.

This semester, i needed it to be awaken. When a car is moving fast, the entire nature tries to hold it back. Yet, i know i have the fuel within me and my motor roars impatiently. Yes yes i know, i’m pressing on the gas pedal. Yet, resistance will be larger but i want to soar forward. God says in Proverbs 16:3 to commit and you will succeed. To commit to soaring, to overcome the resistance. The hot exhaust will burn but the resistance and the heat will not hold me back.

The resistive forces are essential and important too in my forward movement. But I experience the fuel flowing in my pipelines, Lord, if You are with me, no one can be against me. You sustain me. For that i dedicate my performance to you. Let’s roll….

To my most beloved

graciehamie — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 11:05:15 +0000

Joycie, i remember a lot of things from our childhood. The happy times, the times we woke up in the morning and crept quietly downstairs to give a shock to popo in the kitchen, the kfc times, the camping times in our room, the pizzahut + pizza delivery times; and i remember those times with lots of whirlpools especially during our teenage years; and most importantly i remember those times that we are pouring our hearts out to each other. Having you as my sister is the greatest treasure God has blessed me on earth, you are a jewel, a phial of light, tender and comforting, reminding me of the warmth of love from everyone in the family. Going through so many stages in life with you is the most blessed experience!

And so, in our sisterhood, we have each other no matter what you are going through. Sisterhood for us means a tight bond, best friends, for life. When you are struggling, i am struggling with you and when you are fighting against anything at all: loneliness, discipline or daily life situations or studies, remember that i carry your burden in my heart. I am so proud of you when you learn new things and when you are renewed and when you are especially touched by God in the most intimate way. Mostly what you are going through are things i have been through or am going through, it’s so wonderful we get to support each other spiritually, emotionally, mentally!

Thank you for being there for me always, you always make your love be known to me in such visible ways, giving and blessing me, sustaining me through times of difficulties. Mama told me that day to give thanks and pray always. I will continue to do that cause it refreshes my soul! Thank you for praying for me constantly because your love and care and God’s love and promises carries me through the waves in life. Thank you for being there to share my happiness! I love you, my dear beloved sister!

Jehovah Jireh

graciehamie — Wed, 15 Jun 2011 18:24:45 +0000

Around end of January this year, during exam times, i remember vividly one day when i was doing quiet time, i spot something in my daily devotion material. These few words caught my attention “meet me in the meadows” and i was so excited about it. This invitation brought me smiles on the way to the library, in the tram, brought more joy when i was playing the guitar praising God, more than the already overflowing puddle of joy from the “quiet time bird”, that flew to my window everytime i do my quiet time, the way God drops His hints of love to me. Indeed, in March, i landed in the meadows/fields/farm station for my internship. I dreaded the close to 2 hours of walk from the nearest train station to my house, the only door that opens to civilization for me. Every day i have to bike 5 km to work, passing by fields and a biomass factory gushing out the odor of manure. The nearest groceries store is 7 km away and a friend who helped me to move teased that i will break the eggs biking with my groceries. I considered the possibility and did not buy any eggs for 3 months. Gradually i got used to the distance, the country air and the village life. Most importantly i accepted this invitation to be in the meadows with God for 6 months. Since the first day i am here, He has been taking care of me in such great magnitude that i could never put into words. During rainy days, when i wasn’t able to bike to work, He touched the hearts of people to send me to work, be it by means of hitchhike or kind gesture of my housemate. Initially i thought i would be hitchhiking quite often during my stay here but He surprises me. 10 km became a personal walk, intimate walk with God. The surrounding draws me to Him. Though i pretty much stay alone and there’s not much to do in the evenings than hanging out in my room or balcony, i am still bewildered at the realization that i never felt lonely. The limited people whom i am so grateful to get to associate with are precious gifts from Him. I will always thank Him for His providence. During gloomy days when big dark cumulus clouds hover above and the weather forecast predicts thunder and heavy rain, i bike back dry and even get to sit at the balcony and talk to Him before the rain pours down. He never cease to surprise me and tell me through everything i experience that His eyes are on me. Somewhere on the way, His providence became so abundant, i slowly became numb towards it. Though i fight and try to take note of His blessings, my prayers of thanksgiving became more and more insincere and curt. When i was on my way back from Prague and it started raining so heavily when i was sitting in a train with my friend, Saw, she became concerned and offered her umbrella. I quickly dismiss the worries, too quickly. At that moment, it struck me how much i stop to actively ask God and pray to Him for His providence and instead take for granted and expect everything to be laid out before me nicely. I bet He was sour Needless to say, He is faithful, i came back as dry as bone even the weather was ideal for the long walk that awaited me once i arrived the train station.

On Monday after the pentecost weekend at festival, i made my journey back in solitude. Just as the anomaly of june weather indicates, it rained. The sky was scrunched up in dark grey. As i told my brothers and sisters when they were bidding me farewell that i have faith in God and He will provide, i really do at that moment when large drops of rain slashed across the window panes of the moving train. This time, i remembered to ask Him and plead (learning not to take for granted though my heart is not troubled at all) I was thinking, how would God provide. I know by chance of fair weather or no rain, I would be granted the lovely time of prayer and talking to Him on my 2 hours walk back. By chance of rain, He would provide me a kind driver whom i could ride with. I was weighing which case it will be for i did not want to miss out talking to Him after so many things i’ve received during festival. Fair enough, He provides! (Well, i am still learning to be psyched again by His acts of love. Hope it doesn’t sound like here He goes again. I did not mean that. God, forgive my inaptness in conveyance.) There, i walked into the last train before i reach my destination, sat down and spot this umbrella between the seats. !!! Instantly, i knew what He meant. It will rain (for the very first time since i dare my luck at such high frequency) but He gave me a chance to walk and talk to Him with the umbrella. Someone must have left that umbrella there. Someone forgetful perhaps. But it’s God’s love that puts it there specifically for me. Today i read 1. Kings 17 and see myself in Elijah, being fed by ravens and drinking out of the brook, in isolation and dependent on His providence. Someday i know God will send me out to this village to the widow and there, His miracles will continue in the next chapter of my life.

The sun sets over fields

graciehamie — Wed, 06 Apr 2011 20:27:48 +0000

I look up and observe the trails of air turbulence left by aircrafts, strikes of thin clouds slowly blurring against the vast blue sky. As prominent as they were before, they disappear out of the scoop my vision. The scrubs below hiss and rustle. The branches and thistle crackle, crying for a relief to their yearning for spring. I peer at the sun over the rooftop and count the sheep below -some weird looking hairy/woolly creatures beyond discernment. Horses and ponies flex their hind legs, digging their hooves into the wet tuft. The narrow gutters at the ledge of my balcony are filled with algae. Over the rail, a bed of marguerite beams from below. My heart whelm into the country air!

Yonder lie the snow-capped mountains of the Bavarian Alps. Everything, trees, tall or stout, grounds, loose or firm, birds, puny or big in their own fluttery intrepidity, has a way of proclaiming the mightiness and intricacy of the creator who weaves them into existence! I lose myself a little in adoration and bewilderment

i live and die at my own comprehension, academically

graciehamie — Sat, 29 Jan 2011 02:25:51 +0000

If learning, pursuing an education eventually winds down to the few hours scribbling on an exam paper, i would never be more saddened in this area. The excitement and pleasure should stem from the knowledge of new things, discoveries of the little things that compose the universe and ultimately appreciation to the creator. If i would just tone down the importance of that fate-determining certificate (and the stress causing scrambling for that number/alphabet at the last hour) in this proof-indoctrinated world, i would linger longer upon the delight of the “oh!”s and “ah!”s and marvel constantly at the intricacy of the mechanics of the universe, dissembled into millions parts.

That inspires me to be a teacher. To introduce these tiny clockworks of the universe to a fresh mind, palettes to be filled with colours that one eventually use to draw a masterpiece, is an incredible honour. It could be everything/nothing, it’s a responsibility that i would love to be entrusted with.

However, still being a student means i am the absorbent of such great revelations at God’s expense. At each turning of page, i allow myself to be receptive to the things i’m about to find out while falling back to my base, which is built during those gnawing years in classrooms, in solitude, in the “space” where my mind is being kneaded again and again at every addition of knowledge. Nevertheless, there’s one thing that i like about exams- the chance to illustrate one’s brain’s comprehension. And if by answering exam questions, creating a catalogue of the brain’s contents in a particular field, displays misconceptions, i’m willing to “reform” my understanding in that category and demonstrate my spectrum in this field again, as in to reseat for the paper. But right now, after sitting for quite a helpless paper, i take my stance and shoulder full responsibility: i live and die at my own comprehension, academically. Up till now, i stand by my own understanding unless i’m told otherwise, and no matter what the outcome- for or against my understanding, i’m eternally grateful for The Fortress that i’m always able to fall back on.

Allors, c’est la vie.

A veil lifted

graciehamie — Fri, 21 Jan 2011 01:11:50 +0000

Walking on these snow covered streets with piles of snow higher than myself reveals so much to me than i ever imagine. This trip to the Baltics made me know myself better by knowing others. Knowing others and discovering who they are, the principles on which their lives are built on, the underlying personalities that explain their behaviours and attitudes, it was a refreshing experience.

Three countries, three different languages, three currencies sharing the same Baltic sea that separates these 3 small rarely discovered jewels secluded from even their nearest neighbours. While the Lithuanians are the careful, reputation defenders, their closest linguistic cousins, the Latvians, the dill lovers, have a more sophisticated edge. Surprising how all these countries that come scarce on population carry the yoke of preserving their unique languages. Even more amazing that Lithuania has some of the world’s best basketball players, beat so many bigger countries hands down in this all-time favourite sport. Truly impressed by the Estonians, a small nation with such great versatility and being in the frontal of technology. Skype is their shout-out to the world!

There isn’t any better and more unconventional way to spend new year and winter holidays in the Baltics and celebrating with one of the most inspiring couchsurfer i’ve ever met. Even now when i return to my routine, lessons i learned from the people i’ve met still linger in my mind. To trust a stranger and to open up your life, displaying the most crude form of your lifestyle is not just showing hospitality but changing the world with this ripple effect of disintegrating all form of coats-selfishness, materialism, ignorance of the community, fear etc., down to the very essence of human-to-human encounter. When i picture this, the piece by Michelangelo “The Creation of Adam” flashed in my mind, specifically the part where the fingers are extended to touch each other. That was exactly what happened. I extended my finger.

It shouldn’t be such a difficult thing, for one to get to know the other. It shouldn’t have this inertia in every venture. It shouldn’t be overpowered by being over cautious about everything. It shouldn’t have this default skepticism in the reaction to every new concept. Developments and evolution brought us further from giving over our hands in the grip of others. We rely on ourselves, we center things around what is easier and skim off anything that gives a slight hint of putting ourselves out there and stripping off this self-encapsulation.

I am in awe of how God speaks to me throughout this trip. He lifted a veil from the front of my eyes and opened perspectives to me that i’ve never ever comprehended before. Just like a faithful father, teaching me each day and enlarging my scope towards life. I feel His promise of a greater, utmost fulfilling life through Him coming together piece by piece. Truly, i never stop being in awe.

Lord i give thanks

graciehamie — Sun, 16 Jan 2011 23:16:04 +0000

Thank you for the assurance that you gave me

Thank you that no matter what happens, your hand is there to hold me and calm me

Thank you that i can have hope in you when i’m completely helpless

Thank you for telling me it’s ok to be vulnerable when i’m hard on myself

Thank you that the most trivial things in my life are important agenda to you

Thank you that you send me aid

Thank you for all the people that you have placed around me

Thank you for the support you gave, directly and indirectly, obvious and oblivious

Thank you that you whisper comforting words to me

Thank you that you tell me my 5 loaves and 2 fish is no small gift to you

Thank you for loving me so dearly

Thank you for revealing your perspective to me

Thank you for your care for me

Thank you for being so real in my life, for choosing me, for treasuring me more than i do myself, for pampering me more than i deserve, for being a father so attentive

-written after 36 (unnecessary) anxious hours and again, there’s no reason not to praise You for You are great despite the situation

Blues from the Baltics

graciehamie — Tue, 11 Jan 2011 23:29:59 +0000

An excerpt of a skype conversation with Pat:

i really miss even the yucky zeppelini in Lithuania…that’s how i miss it even if it doesn’t taste good

i really miss those initial moments when you meet someone and know that you will have the possibility to know each other more

and he/she could be anyone at all! those suspense you get asking each question and anticipating the answers

i miss those glint in people’s eyes when they talk about their travels, to exotic places and experiences

i miss the way how different people from entirely different background can agree and share something so trivial in common

i miss those times when i know the next could be everything or nothing at all

i miss learning things and coordinating my body parts to move on snow with skis

i love the skill i’ve acquired, to be immune to cold. to be ignorant and completely ok and have fun in the middle of snow storm

i miss the small house i stayed in, where i had maggie for breakfast, wanton noodles made with Russian dumplings for dinner and greeting piles of snow, vast land covered with snow capped tannenbaum

i miss being a baltic/nordic asian, braving the wind, snow

i miss the snow ball fights, even Tim’s threats to bury me under the snow..that’s how i miss the snow

and for all that i’ve miss

i miss myself on the road with a rucksack living out of it and taking every step, across borders, of lands, of humans, of races, of cultures, taking it all in and never take anything for granted